


I wouldn't eat you cause you're so tough

by redspottywellies



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Farah Black is awesome and i would die for her, Gen, Post-Canon, also Ken's season 2 arc was Bad so i fixed it, of the slightly absurd gore variety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 13:47:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15797787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redspottywellies/pseuds/redspottywellies
Summary: It's sort of collectively assumed that they're going to rescue Bart from Blackwing as soon as they find out she's in there.or,everybody teams up to get Bart out of the Scary Government Facility and learn very few lessons along the way





	I wouldn't eat you cause you're so tough

**Author's Note:**

> Based off this tumblr post: http://princessparadoxical.tumblr.com/post/171792521052/the-only-element-of-farah-in-blackwing-id-be#notes
> 
> My Harry Potter WIP is filling me with sadness rn and I needed a break from all the angst so here

It's sort of collectively assumed that they're going to rescue Bart from Blackwing as soon as they find out she's in there.

No one's totally clear on how that actually happened. All Farah knows is that Todd got a call from Amanda in the middle of the night and had to absorb a lot of information very fast - the gist of it seems to boil down to that stupid guy Friedkin sending a message across the void of human consciousness about how he Totally Gets It Now, and that someone needs to save Bart from Ken and Ken from that crazy supervisor lady before Blackwing eats them both.

No one can really articulate _why_ they're saving Bart. She's messed up at least as much as she's helped, if not more. Plus there was that whole Killing Dirk thing, but Todd-via-Amanda-via-Friedkin's Ghost seems pretty confident that's not gonna be a problem. Even Dirk is pretty pumped, and he was still terrified of Bart the last time Farah checked.

It's probably a Holistic thing. Mona's excited as well, in her very specific Mona way. She keeps turning into large inflatable objects at unexpected moments.

Either way, motivations don't really matter. It's happening. Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency is loading up the Amboolents and heading back to Montana. They're gonna roll up and save Bart. And Ken. It's gonna be badass. (According to Dirk. Calling things badass is his new thing. He found a pair of aviator shades somewhere and they're going to his head).

The Rowdy 3 are on board as well, driving in from Oregon. Farah's not really sure what they've been doing there; she's been tracking them on the police scanners in her spare time and it seems like they're only spending about half their time looking for wayward Blackwing subjects. When she asks about it, it transpires that they've also been inflicting large amounts of property damage on those big corporations who try to disguise themselves as local independent businesses so they can appeal to the Portland customer base, while also underpaying their workers and driving out actual small businesses. (Apparently this level of inauthenticity offends Amanda on a fundamental level, and she's been trying to direct the boys into some more politically-motivated smashing. Farah hears Gripps and Cross yelling about labor unions in the background during one of the many facetime conferences it takes to formulate the Plan).

* * *

 Tina and Hobbs are waiting for them a few miles outside Bergsberg. They're both almost sobbing with excitement, and there's a lot of screaming and jumping when Dirk and Todd tumble out of the Amboolents. Farah follows, feeling a little awkward in spite of herself, but no one seems to pick up on it. Tina launches forward and pulls Farah into a weirdly sticky hug that smells almost overpoweringly of weed, but is pretty nice all the same.

"This is gonna be so cool," Hobbs keeps saying, swaying on the spot with his arms wrapped around Todd and Dirk (and technically Mona, since she's currently chilling as a pen in Dirk's pocket).

"It's been _so boring_ since you left," Tina says seriously, pulling back to hold Farah by the shoulders and stare deep into her eyes. _"So boring._ No witches, no magic portals, no princes with scissors - we've been going _insane._ Holy shit, I'm so happy to see you."

It's still kind of a new feeling for Farah, having people who aren't Lydia be happy to see her. She pretends it doesn't make her tear up, and Tina is nice enough not to comment on it (or possibly too stoned to notice).

They spend a few more minutes being happy to see each other, but they have to move on pretty quick. There's no way of knowing whether Blackwing is watching them, and they've got a Plan to finish Planning.

Mona bursts out of Dirk's pocket as a beach ball, making Hobbs shriek a little, and then transforms into an unassuming minivan mid-bounce. They leave the Amboolents hidden in a cornfield and all pile into what Dirk insists on calling the Monamobile with minimal nonsense. Tina keeps making comments about how driving around inside a literal person is trippy as hell.

"Isn't it _great?"_ Dirk agrees cheerfully.

 

 

They end up Planning the rest of the Plan in the old Cardenas motel that got shot up by Blackwing, probably for some Holistic everything-is-connected reason that Farah's brain isn't really grasping the significance of.

It's a very strange feeling, knowing for a fact that you're the smartest person in a room full of people who _also_ know that you're the smartest person in the room, but still feeling a little bit slow. The only one who seems to get it is Hobbs, who keeps shooting her reassuring smiles in a very dad-ish way that warms Farah's chest but also makes her want to cry a little bit. She distracts herself by grabbing the tattered bible from the nightstand and systematically smoothing out every dog-eared page until her brain stops buzzing so much. By the time she's done, Todd and Dirk have stopped arguing over whether or not the mismatched bedsheets have any Holistic significance, and Amanda's texted to let them know that she and the Rowdy 3 are less than two hours out.

Farah eats the poptarts Tina gives her, drinks some orange soda from the motel vending machine, and takes a nap. No sense in letting herself get too tired to storm a government facility.

* * *

  _"IT WAS A ONE EYED ONE HORNED FLYING PURPLE PEOPLE EATER (ONE EYED ONE HORNED FLYING PURPLE PEOPLE EATER)..."_

Farah glares through her scope. She's happy the distraction panned out, but the song is really starting to get on her nerves. She fires off another couple of shots and takes out three Blackwing mooks. Amanda grins and whirls and brings down two more with her bat.

In the background, Todd and Dirk go tearing past on the Monacycle. Dirk is shouting something about hordes of cannibalistic tulips. Todd is yelling at Dirk to stop flailing his arms in his face while he's trying to steer. Mona is revving her engine enthusiastically and doing a lot of wheelies.

A stapler goes flying through the air from the barricade of office chairs in the corner, from behind which Ken is screaming loudly and continuously, doing his best to beat back the Beast's attempts to cuddle him. It smacks Vogel in the head; Gripps grabs it and uses it to staple Mr Priest's ear to his elbow. Priest seems unbothered by this and carries on firing at random into the brawl, laughing maniacally. The Purple People Eater goes down; the dismembered leg it was holding hits the wall, bounces off and kicks Todd in the face. He rallies nicely and jets off down the hall with Mona and Dirk to deal with the tulips.

The Beast gets to the top of Ken's barricade and grabs him along with the corgi he's clutching. The ensuing chair avalanche sends half the scrum in the hallway staggering.

Farah sees the opening and orders the guys forward, dropping to the floor from where she'd been hanging upside-down out of a gap in the ceiling tiles and taking her place between Martin and Cross at the head of the charge. They press the advantage to fight their way through the mess in the corridor; Farah swings the big gun around from where it was strapped to her back and starts firing at the door with the Marzanna symbol. It only takes a few seconds to make a hole big enough for them all to pile into Bart's room, leaving a steaming pile of henchmen in their wake.

"Hi," says Bart.

She's sitting on the table with her feet propped up on the chair, eating an avocado like it's an apple.

"We've come to get you out," Farah tells her.

"Cool," says Bart.

She gets to her feet and saunters past them to where the doors used to be. She's met by a wall of surviving Blackwing lackeys and Mr Priest, who's smiling.

"Bart," he says. "I want you to really think about what you're-"

Bart winds up and hurls the avocado pit at the centre of his forehead. It hits one of the medical staples and Priest cuts off abruptly. Farah winces at the splat he makes when he hits the floor.

"Nice shot," says Martin.

"Did you just _split his face in half,"_ Amanda whisper-screams from the centre of the tactical triangle. "That's so cool, oh my god."

Farah ignores this in favor of noting how the lead Blackwing drone is tensing up his shoulders. The Monacycle roars back up the corridor and skids to a halt. Todd and Dirk are covered in mud and leaves but seem mostly unhurt as they scramble out of the way.

"Mona!" Farah calls. "Now!"

Mona bounces up behind the Blackwing goons in the form of a tennis ball. Then she turns into a tank.

* * *

 Hobbs and Tina are there outside when it's all over. The air is thick with smoke and ash and tulip petals, and they have Assistent in handcuffs, along with the weird supervisor lady whose name Farah still can't remember.

"...I'm just saying, you really need to tone down the mascara," Tina's telling her conversationally. "You look like you have spiders hugging your eyelids, it's freaky as hell."

"That's the point," Supervisor Lady hisses. She glares at Ken as he walks past. "And what do you have to say for yourself?"

Ken shrugs and shakes his head, hitching the corgi in his arms a little higher. "I got kind of carried away with all the excitement," he says. "I mean, _psychics,_ you know?"

"So?"

"So, Bart's my best friend," Ken says decisively. "And the Brotzman chick's plan for saving the universe actually seems pretty solid. When I teamed up with you, I thought you guys were the only people with the resources we need to fix it, and the only ones with any appreciation for the fact that I'm a literal genius. Turns out I was wrong. Also, it's _super_ boring working here, you guys have no fun and I miss the roadtrips."

Bart grins at him and offers him a piece of her quesadilla as they amble off together.

"Are you sure you have enough to charge these guys?" Todd asks the cops.

"Yeah, we made sure," Hobbs says. "The confirmation got sent through just in time - this land technically still belongs to the Cardenas family, since Francis is still alive and _was_ included in the will after all. Good thing we managed to track that down."

"Somehow the fact that he lives in a pocket dimension didn't make it into the paperwork," Tina adds. "So we get these guys on trespassing and probably squatting, for now at least. Farah, your brother's on his way, right?"

"As we speak," Farah confirms. "As long as you can hold them overnight, homeland security will do the rest. Eddie texted right as we were going in - we were right, literally not one part of this whole thing was sanctioned. He's managed to get them classed as a terrorist organization on a technicality. Just make the hand off and don't mention us in any official capacity, you should be good."

"I still think that part of the plan is bullshit," Tina says. "You guys did like, all the work, you should get credit."

Dirk puts on his shades. "It's what we do," he says, and walks off.

A moment later he comes running back, looking sheepish. "Sorry, I tried to make a cool exit but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye."

Todd nudges Farah. "Are you sure you don't want to stick around and see Eddie?"

Farah shrugs. "I don't know. He still only kind-of believes me about all this. I don't want to say the wrong thing and ruin all our progress."

Todd keeps frowning at her, and she sighs. "Don't project onto me," she tells him. "You deal with your sibling problems, I'll deal with mine."

"Yeah, I guess." Todd looks at his shoes. "Sorry."

"It's okay. I'll probably call him once we're clear."

There's a loud bang and the Rowdy 3 come bursting out of what used to be the Blackwing facility, covered in soot and howling. Cross and Martin are hefting huge piles of paperwork. Gripps has a fire extinguisher.

"Dude, that was awesome!" Vogel yells. "Can we go again?"

"No, Vogel, get in the van," Amanda tells him, throwing an affectionate matchbook at his head. She turns to the others. "I think we got everything we needed. The rest is toast. We made it look like they did it." She jerks her head at Assistent and Supervisor Lady, who growls under her breath. "We got all the digital copies too - even if they reform, they probably won't be able to get to any of us again."

"Nice job," Farah says, patting her on the arm.

Amanda rolls her eyes. "Oh my god, come here," she says, and pulls Farah into a hug.

Farah goes with it. Amanda gives great hugs.

When they pull back, Amanda looks at Todd. "Hey. Can we talk before we head off?"

Todd nods, looking relieved, and they move away so they can speak quietly in a sibling-ish huddle. Dirk smiles after them and then grins up at the smoky gray sky, spreading his arms like he wants to hug the entire planet.

"I love it when things work out," he says. "Isn't it great when things work out?"

"Yeah, Dirk," Farah agrees, watching as Mona wanders up in giraffe form and steals Hobbs' hat. "It is."

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided that the detective agency figured out Mona was living in their office after like, a month of "hey where'd that plant come from?" and "I swear I lost this hat in Idaho last week why is it under my desk" and "hey guys are paperweights meant to like... move??"


End file.
